“Everything that seemingly happens externally is occurring in order to trigger something within us, to expand us and take us back to who we truly are.”
– Anita Moorjani, Dying to Be Me
When I place the mask on your face, I would like for you to take a few deep breaths. Count backward out loud beginning with one hundred. Always the good student, I did as I was told. The chill of the operating room faded away and my body felt warm and very heavy. Resolution of the pain that I had experienced over the past eight months was now within my grasp. I remember a fleeting sense of happiness which floated through me. I expected to awaken in the recovery room surrounded by the noise of monitors and the activity of nurses.
I felt cozy and peaceful when I opened my eyes. A golden meadow stretched before me. What?? I shook my head and blinked my eyes. Hard. The meadow was still there but now I could see in all directions, at the same time. The colors were magnificent. I sat astride a horse whose coat was pure white and it glowed with crystal beams of light. Love flowed through everything. It was in me and all around me. Love was light and it pulsated and intensified until I was no longer separate from the horse or the meadow. Right away, I recognized the horse and the feeling of no separation. I had visited this sacred space many times in the past. The horse’s name was Faith and during my meditations, she often appeared in this same meadow but carried my deceased loved ones on her back. Faith had always been my connection to the Other Side.
I must be dead. Is Faith taking me to the Other Side? Seriously?? I don’t even feel dead. I feel FABULOUS and this doesn’t make any sense. I thought my Guide would be with me when I died. Why am I all alone? Where is everyone else?
Even as the questions continued to form in my mind, I leaned back and surrendered. All of me. Enveloped by pure love I was cradled and lifted up as a small child in the arms of the Source of All That Is. The meadow, the horse, everything that had been around me disappeared and became pure sparkles of shimmering light. I sat in a field of potentiality which contained everything that had ever been and everything that would ever be. My journey had carried me Home.
Three weeks and three days before my journey Home, my sister died following surgery to correct her spine which had caused chronic back pain. The nurses had gotten her up to a chair the day after surgery and the movement caused a clot to be released. My sister’s Spirit found its way Home even as her body remained slumped in the chair. Following her death, my own surgical date loomed in front of me but instead of fear, I only felt anticipation of the relief it would bring from constant abdominal pain.
A huge ovarian cyst had been discovered on my left ovary eight months prior to the scheduled removal by laparoscopic surgery. I had first sought to treat it with alternative therapies, primarily different forms of “energy” work. The cyst had been the size of an orange and initially it shrank to the size of a golf ball before it ballooned back up. It became the size of a grapefruit. I found my only escape from the pain was through meditation.
My holistic healing practice led me to believe that the pain from the ovarian cyst was a physical manifestation of emotional and mental trauma that I had experienced as a child. The sacral chakra is situated in the abdomen and one of the organs that it governs is the ovaries. Part of my meditation practice focused on forgiveness of my father. We shared the secret of sexual abuse that had occurred between us from when I was very small until I was almost thirteen. I thought that if I forgave him, the cyst would go away and so would all the pain. It seemed simple enough in theory but I could not find my way to forgiveness. Pain was not just localized to my ovary. My whole Spirit was in pain.
Two days before the surgery, I had a vision during meditation. My abdominal organs were covered in a thick black tarry substance. I also saw the surgeon shaking her head as she delivered the news to my husband in the waiting room. I wrote it all down in my journal. Later that day my husband and I were talking and I mentioned that I had a “bad feeling” about the surgery. Surprisingly, there was no fear. Instead I felt empowered and grateful for the gift of sight. On the morning of the surgery I shared my vision with the doctor. We changed the consent form from outpatient surgery for ovary removal to a total hysterectomy. She also knew that my sister had died from an embolism three weeks earlier. I found out a couple of years later that my daughter had a bad feeling about the surgery too but she didn’t want to scare me.
When the anesthesiologist placed the mask over my face, I knew that I might awaken to some difficult news. As I look back now, I know I was also prepared for the possibility that I might not survive surgery. Perhaps that is why my transition to Spirit was so easy. I have no memory of being out of my body in the operating room. There was no tunnel, no white light at the end of it and no dead relatives. There weren’t even any Light Beings to greet me. I just felt cozy and peaceful and so loved as Faith carried me Home.
But my story doesn’t end there.
As I sat in the field of potentiality, I became aware that the sparkles of shimmering light were alive. I was separate from them but I was also connected to them. It was all love. At this point I began to receive downloads of information. I wasn’t conscious of it, I just suddenly knew about the intricacies of the Universe. It wasn’t even really a download, it was more like a remembering, a reminder that I had always had this knowledge inside of me.
One of the lights moved closer to me and I knew it was my father. He had died nine years earlier but I had cut off all ties with him seventeen years before his death. The last time that I had even heard his voice was when I was twenty-four years old. The most peculiar thing happened. I felt his love reach out for my love and we blended together. It was as though I became him and he became me. I knew everything about him and that included his pain about our separation. In that moment, I knew he loved me. In that moment, I knew that I loved him and I was so grateful to him for the role he had played in my life.
We had planned our past lifetime together before we incarnated.
My father had volunteered to help me learn about love through a different kind of experience. I had also agreed to a life where the possibility of an inappropriate sexual relationship existed. It was only one possibility of many futures that we had before us to choose from.
I know that you struggled with forgiveness around our life together. Though you understand everything now, you will have a decision to make about going back. If you choose to leave, you will remember our love for each other but you will not remember everything else. Love will be what helps you move toward forgiveness if you choose to go back. With the illusion of separation, forgiveness in the physical body can be very difficult. The lessons you will learn, and subsequent growth, will expand many souls exponentially should you choose to return. The energy of your forgiveness will help others to move in the same direction while those on this side will continue to learn through your collective experiences. There is no right decision and it is your choice. There are other possibilities available to you too.
I immediately thought of my sister. What about Carol? Was she given a choice? Where is she? I asked the questions as I was already receiving the answers but they didn’t come from my father. In fact, much of what my father said seemed to come through him. He was bigger somehow. It was as though my father was just a small piece of the Love Being that was talking to me.
Carol had a choice. Everyone has a choice. You have heard this before and know it to be true. Carol is in the Healing Space. Whether you choose to stay or to return, she will be with you following the healing process. There are other things that we want to show you before you make your decision.
Things went through my mind at an unbelievable pace. I was surrounded by love, it was ALL love and there was no pressure put on me to come back. I was shown many potential futures, different timelines and how my decisions both now and then could and would affect many, many lives. The single common denominator to every single thing that I was shown was love. Everything is love. The answer to every question ever asked has always been love. I remember when I agreed to come back. I was not allowed to come back with the memory of what I had been shown.
The last thing that I remember was a sensation of being pulled back at a very fast pace and then a bump. I felt jammed into a suit of armor and my vision was blurry. Someone was talking to me. I also heard my voice but I didn’t feel that I was in control of it. The sound was strange and separate from me. I kept repeating myself.
LOVE. IT’S ALL LOVE. LOVE. IT’S ALL LOVE.
There were a bunch of people around my bed and a woman peered into my face. No, I don’t need you. She is alright. She is talking now. I must have been mistaken.
Okay honey. Pain? You have pain?
NO. ALL LOVE. IT’S ALL LOVE.
Yes. I understand. You have pain. You are in the recovery room now. The surgery was more extensive than the doctor had anticipated. She expects you to have a lot of pain but I will get you some medication now.
I didn’t understand why she kept saying pain when I knew that I was saying love. At some point, the suit of armor disappeared, my vision cleared and I felt the pain. My choice was to come back but I am different now. I brought the love with me and it’s all love.
1968 – with my sister Carol
“I knew that was really the only purpose of life: to be our self, live our truth, and be the love that we are.”
– Anita Moorjani
LONG TIME SUN – Snatam Kaur
Today is the third anniversary of my near death experience. I found my way to forgiveness with my father but that is a story for another time. I love him and he loves me.
Two of my sisters have died. My sister Diane died when I was ten and she is the one who first introduced me to the white horse named Faith. It is through her love that I survived the turbulent years of my childhood and adolescence. You can read our story of her after death visit to me here- (Faith is in the second part.)
I wrote a letter to my sister Carol on what would have been her sixtieth birthday last year. She is very present in my life now. When she shows herself to me it is as a radiant green light which emanates love. My love for her grows and grows and I am so happy that she found the healing that she sought for most of her life.
~ until our paths bring us together again ~